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Work To Win

"Good morning Mr Weber, my name's Andrew and I'm calling on behalf of Megavision UK. Our records show that you watch thirty hours of television a week, but don't subscribe to any of our cable channels? I wonder if we could interest you in..."

Telecorp Call Nexus, Milton Keynes. I did rent a home terminal for a while, but missed the work atmosphere too much. The feeling of being a part of a larger machine, of working towards the same goals as my colleagues. There's always a big cheer when one of us gets a bonus. That guy with the Kinder Egg toys on his desk got seven thousand pounds, the other month, just for one call. Amazing.

The offices here are very freeform, very stimulating, and full of personality. You're allowed as much desk decoration as you can fit into your overnight locker, and can hot-desk whichever terminal you like, when you get in. I was here early enough to get one near the koi-pond, this morning. Really idyllic. It certainly beats the basement cubicle I ended up in yesterday!

"Hel-Air budget flights, Andrew speaking, how may I help you? And when are you travelling? One moment, sir. How many passengers? Uh-huh. Well, we've got a flight next Monday for two adults and *two* children..."

So this is my terminal. When a call gets routed in, it gives me a brief overview of the product or service, the opening sections of the autoscript, an iconic list of the skills required for dealing with the call (although, of course, it checks my personal profile before routing anything to me, so it won't ever be anything I can't cope with), and the current rollover count.

I've then got a few seconds to either accept the call or reject it. If I reject it - if I don't like the script, or have an ethical problem with the product - it just gets rerouted to another, random terminal elsewhere in the company. Of course, the bonus rolls over for each rejection, so I guess some people can make a lot of money that way!

"Hello, Old Fernshire Potteries, my name's Andrew and I'll be taking your order. The memorial plate? Yes, until the end of the month. Yes, that's right. God bless her, yes..."

I got fifty pounds for an ISP tech support call, last week, and I usually get enough vending machine tokens to see me through the day. One day I'll hit the big money, though, like the guy with the Kinder Egg toys. I heard he cleared his desk straight away, disappeared on a world cruise. Telecorp are really flexible about that.

And since everyone's on the same minimum wage - since every call has exactly the same odds of awarding a random bonus, rollovers aside - you don't need to worry about keeping a foot on the hierarchy ladder, about your job not being there when you get back. I really can't imagine a better place to work.

Write for Upsideclone

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If you've read Upsideclown and old articles here, you get the idea. Submissions are always welcome: We operate a strictly hands-off editorial approach (we won't even correct your spelling). Once submitted, your article goes to the vote by the seven clowns. A majority, and you're in the queue for Friday publications. Go on -- And if you want to know more, hints or clarifications: come ask us in talk.


Clare Maguire > 6dec2002 > The Face of The Future
Simon Batistoni > 15nov2002 > Ghost
Kelly Bean > 8nov2002 > The Program
Anonymous > 1nov2002 > Winning the Lottery
Ned > 25oct2002 > Calibre
Tom Massey > 4oct2002 > Roses
Simon Batistoni > 27sep2002 > Message Centre
Riana > 20sep2002 > Value Added
Giles Turnbull > 13sep2002 > A lab technician's lot
Kevan Davis > 6sep2002 > The Campaign for Real Advertising
Giles Turnbull > 30aug2002 > The old lady and the whelk
KTL > 23aug2002 > Feet
Sandy Tulloch > 16aug2002 > How the people came to stop thinking
RavenBlack > 9aug2002 > An Arm And A Leg
Nicholas Wilshere > 19jul2002 > Two full-page ads
Dustin Ruby > 12jul2002 > Family Life
Matt Jones > 14jun2002 > The end of history
Cathrine > 7jun2002 > The Eye of the Beholder
Nick > 31may2002 > I wanna shake your hand
RavenBlack > 24may2002 > Precognito Ergo Sum
Ned > 10may2002 > Spambot
Tyrethali > 26apr2002 > The Contest
Holly Gramazio > 19apr2002 > A Tale of No Watermelons
Brooke Magnanti > 12apr2002 > What The Dead Remember
Tyrethali > 5apr2002 > Superego
RavenBlack > 29mar2002 > Black Rain
james > 22mar2002 > The Atom Thief
RavenBlack > 15mar2002 > Soul Trap
matzu > 8mar2002 > Angry Elton
RavenBlack > 1mar2002 > Hell Is Other People
JT Bruce > 22feb2002 > Door Ajar
matzu > 15feb2002 > Send in the clones
Kevan Davis > 8feb2002 > Litter
RavenBlack > 1feb2002 > The Perfect Job
Tyrethali > 25jan2002 > Mystery
Giles Turnbull > 11jan2002 > The Twisted World of Advertising
Tom Armitage > 21dec2001 > Numbers
Sandy Tulloch > 14dec2001 > Killing Cats
Brooke Magnanti > 7dec2001 > The Jet Set
Giles Turnbull > 30nov2001 > Driftwood
james > 23nov2001 > with you in mind
RavenBlack > 16nov2001 > UpsideClones
Kevan Davis > 9nov2001 > Do Not Stand Forward Of This Notice
Giles Turnbull > 2nov2001 > Group Effort
Kevan Davis > 26oct2001 > Ask The Audience
RavenBlack > 19oct2001 > Don't You Just Hate Stupid People
Martin Griffiths > 12oct2001 > Your Nearest McDonalds...
RavenBlack > 5oct2001 > Life's a bureaucracy, and then you die
Kevan Davis > 28sep2001 > Work To Win
Tom Armitage > 21sep2001 > Don't Book it - Thomas Cook it.
Giles Turnbull > 14sep2001 > What happened to George
RavenBlack > 7sep2001 > Mental States
Kevan Davis > 31aug2001 > Walking Distance
Stuart and Jack > 24aug2001 > dialogue
Kevan Davis > 17aug2001 > Collector's Item

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