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Send in the clones

Our correspondent in the pub writes;

Recently (and for much longer than that) debate has been raging amongst the psuedo-scientists and mad professors (as well as the Establishment hmmn hmmaa) about the issue of cloning humans. Theyve cloned a sheep, a pig and some other things probably like the zoobra (a cross between a cage and a melon holder) and possibly the koagula (a small tree dwelling teddy bear useful in stopping blood flow). Well I would like to use this article to send a message to all those involved in the research and development of cloning techniques and also those involved in the humanist issues that sit snugly alongside all this mumbo jumbo (small elephant that dances like Ricky Martin, who incidentally and unknowingly wrote the advertising slogan for the new life size animated inflatable Barbie "She bangs, she bangs, ooh baby yeah she moves she moves" where do I sign up?)

Where was I?

Cloning. Yes. I mean, why not? its not as if people would be cloning Histories Greatest Monsters, although rumour has it someone has already got Napoleans knob, Hitlers missing testicle and Margaret Thatchers heart has been found after going AWOL in the early 80s - think of the possibilites... but still, the main issue with cloning is that these clones are NOT the same people as the clonee (I'd like to copyright that word, clonee <kl-oh-nhee> noun. (Genetics) Subject providing genetic or other material to aid production of a clone. take that OED), but rather a clone is simply a genetic copy - in fact, its not even 100% a perfect copy, as Dolly has shown us by getting arthritis - although to my eye, all sheep look the same and I wouldnt put it past certain members of the scientific community to just wheel out another sheep and say "hey. heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Dolly!" like I could tell...?

No, a clone is simply a copy. A clone of me, given the right circumstances, could be far cleverer than me and even less inclined to chain smoke, drink to excess and masturbate above the legal limit, but hey no-ones perfect. a clone would have his or her own life style, own choices, own personality and even own soul and THAT is where this story lies - science has denied God and the Soul for a century, and even when Religion has embraced science and got into bed with astronomy, maybe even tickled the knees of theoretical physics and positively shagged seven bells of shit out of Evolution (Gods Wondrous Plan), science still sits there in its crazy paved garden and sulked until God gives up and buys it an ice cream. Geneticists do not in the whole believe in the concept of a soul, ergo - a clone is a clone is a clone. I however do believe in souls, and I do believe in clones (especially in twenty years when I need some new lungs/a liver/wrist extensions) so I say to all the nimbys and nay-sayers - arse. Clones are great, and in the future I'm going to have three and call them all matzu and confuse the fuck out of everyone I know by dressing them all in period costumes and teaching them all a different language.

So there.

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